this week has been, well, hard.  in the days after I sent out my monthly newsletter, I found out I had misunderstood some of how this program would run, and that I will be going to another facility in a couple of months.  for me, even though it means seeing more of the world, that was disappointing because I’m a homebody, not a nomad - I like to really settle in to a place.  I also found out that I will basically be in one on one classes without much “hands on” experience for the next two months, which means a lot of alone time, sitting in my room reading and researching and generally surfing the web.  (get on skype or gchat anytime, and I’ll probably be available.)

I had a great time with my professor this week, a woman who as a nurse practitioner has worked in an HIV clinic in Wales and is now living in Cambodia for the third time in her life.  she had incredible stories, stories of living the often dramatic life of an expatriate, and she was kind, and we talked for hours, which was great, since I hadn’t talked to anyone more than a few sentences in quite a few days.  I realize that may sound like a nice relief to many people, but being isolated from any kind of community and living in a compound with a few other people who speak minimal English is really difficult for me.  I love people.  I’d rather be with people than by myself most of the time.  and, I have been so looking forward to being with these people, so the realization that the next weeks will be filled with a lot of alone time is disappointing.

then, a couple nights ago, one of the nights I was feeling most alone, I woke up with stomach pains.  wasn’t sure what was going on, but I got up to go to the bathroom, and I felt incredibly dizzy and lightheaded - an all too familiar feeling for me.  I knew it was likely I would faint, and I knew I had to get back to my bed, which is the only soft place in my room.  I laid back down and the pain wasn’t going away, and I started praying that I wouldn’t faint by myself.  I think that feeling is probably one of the scariest feelings I have had.  so, I started calling out for help, and then of course the next thing I remember is the housemom coming in and asking me what medicine she could give me as I’m coming back to consciousness.  it was difficult to explain to her that I was alright, difficult to explain that I had fainted, but I was incredibly thankful that my professor was still here.  seriously, thank God that a nurse practitioner who speaks English was able to be here, with me, making sure I was okay and telling the housemom that I didn’t need to go to the hospital.  the pain eventually went away, and when we talked later my prof and I figured that it must have been a combination of low blood sugar (my diet’s been pretty restricted to fish and white rice) and that stomach pain…which, maybe, could be a parasite.  yuck.  she suggested I get some “deworming” medication, so I’m going to check that out next time I get to go to Manila…the good news the pain has been gone for the last two days, and I’m getting more protein into my diet so my blood sugar should be fine.

of course, the next morning, I just thought, seriously?  the timing sucked.  scariest time for me to be alone follows my most intense feelings of loneliness since I left the states…but I got to go out for the day yesterday, checking out a boarding school for my prof’s daughter and doing some sightseeing, and that did wonders for me.  just being in a different environment for awhile was so nice, and I got to talk with people and try halo halo.  (i’ll explain and post pictures later.)  on the van ride home (at which point we had been in the car for a total of at least 6 hours) I got out my ipod and looked for something to listen to that would help me find my center.  I realized even in all of this alone time, I haven’t spent a lot of time connected to myself.  I’ve been in a survival mode that has kept me separate from how I’ve been feeling, because I’m here for awhile, and things won’t change much, which has made it feel pointless to be sad or scared or lonely.  but the truth is, I feel all of those things.  and I can survive, even feeling all of those things.  I ended up listening to Jon Foreman - he is awesome - and one of my favorite songs came on: your love is strong.  I could play this song over and over…actually, I do all the time.  it’s great, and I’ll see if I can link it somehow.  anyway, for the first time in at least a week, I felt like I was back inside myself.  and the feeling has stuck with me today.  I’m still sad, and discouraged, and lonely, but I’m also confident that God’s love is strong, and that’s enough for me stand on, at least at this moment.

besides, of course I feel all of these things!  moving to a foreign country is hard!