a couple of days ago I tried snorkeling for the second time in my life.  the first time was in Hawaii years ago with my family, and I had a really hard time regulating my breathing, so much so that I passed on the opportunity to scuba dive, for fear that I might hyperventilate under the weight of so much water.  so when Jayne and I went on a boat trip around Honda Bay and the activities offered were snorkeling or snoring (according to our guide), I thought I’d choose the lay on the beach option.  but I decided to give snorkeling another shot, figuring I could just turn back if I felt overwhelmed.  I got the snorkeling gear on, and I could breathe normally through it as long as my head was out of the water.  but as soon as I put my head into the ocean and I could hear my breathing in my ears, I would freak out.  I tried talking myself through breathing – just take slow breaths, you’re okay, relax and focus on your breathing – but that would only last a few minutes before I needed to stand up.  after four or five attempts, I decided to head back to the beach, lay down on my towel and take some deep breaths and enjoy the fantastic view.

the last few days when I’ve laid down to go to sleep, I’ve felt this heavy weight and a tension in my shoulders that I can’t seem to relax.  it feels as though I am bracing myself for something, though I don’t know what exactly, and I can’t quiet down the thoughts in my head.  I usually end up telling myself the same things I said in the water – just take slow, deep breaths.

last night, when that now familiar feeling came, I started thinking about what it felt like to me to be under the ocean, trying to learn how to breathe in a completely different way than I’m used to.  and I started to realize that life sort of feels like that right now - I am in this unfamiliar place, in a constant state of adaptation, and it is overwhelming.  I knew that living in another country would require an intense level of flexibility from me, and that it would be hard for me to understand a lot of things simply because life is different here.  in the midst of so much unknown, I have longed for familiar things, to feel somehow connected to the me that I was in Seattle.  sometimes I just want to stand up and breathe normally.  and that longing is not because what is different is bad – in fact, it’s not.  there is so much beauty in the things I am encountering here that are different from me.  the fish I saw in the three minutes I could keep my head underwater were incredible, reflecting the blue and green colors of the water and the sunlight streaming in.  but I have to learn to breathe in order to be able to enjoy them, and even though breathing is a completely natural thing on land, I have a lot to learn about breathing underwater.

today, for this moment, I know that it’s okay that I don’t automatically know how to breathe in an unfamiliar environment.  I am hopeful that that feeling will stay with me, that I will be gracious to myself and that people will offer me grace as I am in this learning process.