it’s hard to describe the ambivalence I feel about finishing my internship in just over a week.  my mind has been wandering back over the last months, remembering the things I’ve seen and heard and felt, things I’ve smelled and tasted and touched…sometimes thinking about those things make me long to return home, to familiarity and rainy gray skies.  and sometimes there is a sharp pang in my chest as I think about what, or more accurately who, I am leaving behind.

so I’ve been making a list in my head, both of things I’m looking forward to and things I will miss. some of it is silly, and some of it is my own inability to stay in uncomfortable places, and some of it is my experiences of profound courage and love, both at home and here in the Philippines.  so take it for what you will.

things I’m looking forward to:

• showers with hot water, and baths
• being invisible as I walk down the street, nothing really distinguishing me from any number of strangers walking by
• not having to think so hard about how to say simple things as I practice my child-like Tagalog
• having coffee, and wine, with friends…actually, having anything with friends
• seeing Mt. Rainier
• riding a ferry across the Sound
• the air in Seattle - even the rain
• being with people who know and understand who I’ve been, as they come to know and understand who I’ve become

things I will miss:

• the women here - their laughter, their stories, their strength
• singing along to random music in the office with Paulo
• being in a place where I absolutely have to learn something new every day
• mangoes and buko [coconut] juice
• having my eyes opened to poverty in a way that I cannot ignore or avoid
• being greeted with “hello mam” or “hello lacie” or sometimes “hello beautiful” every where I go - stores, coffee shops, the street…
• the sound of rapid-fire Tagalog conversations

sometimes I think I’ve not gotten the most accurate view of the Philippines; living in a place where sex tourism dominates my awareness leaves me with a picture much dimmer than the beauty that is around me.  but whenever I think about the Filipino people, I smile.  they are my experience of the Philippines, beyond the hard realities of poverty and exploitation.  they are who I will miss.

*the above lists are by no means comprehensive…just the first things that come to mind at the moment.  I reserve the right to add to both lists frequently :)